If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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