; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
