Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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