I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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