Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
