If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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