I'm eating all of the evidence.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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