I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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