I want you more than these girls want KFC
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
