you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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