I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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