Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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