Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
