Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
