so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
