Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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