this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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