took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
