How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
