fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
