and you said cock pushups were impossible
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
