8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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