I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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