Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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