you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
