watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
