Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
