Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
