like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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