My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
