3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Too much gin, very little bucket
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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