btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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