why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
