saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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