Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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