Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
