and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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