i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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