R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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