It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
