Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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