Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I need moral support for this bender
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
