Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
