He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
