a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
