I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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