would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
