highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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