hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
