I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
