i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
